


Lost In You

by gayspaceranger



Category: Travelers (TV)
Genre: Character Death, M/M, bi philip, gay trevor, philip x trevor, trevor x philip
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-03-01 11:53:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13294305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayspaceranger/pseuds/gayspaceranger
Summary: Philip finds himself addicted to Trevor in the worst way.





	1. Stay Over

**Author's Note:**

> this ship is going to kill me. I hope you like my writing.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry this one was so short it's just starting it off

It was simply another day. The others had left to their host’s shiny new homes to clean up and shower after a mission and Philip was left to himself in ops. He didn’t mind the silence, the space, as that was extremely rare in the future. He certainly didn’t miss the stench of stale, sour sweat of a million people shoved into a place only fit for half that amount. Despite this, being used to constant company left him cold and empty when he was alone with his thoughts. 

 

He had so many thoughts that he didn’t know what to do with them. The high from the eyedrops seemed to numb this so he was extremely appreciative but even he knew that there was no filling the void in the end. It still left him sitting in front of a screen, thinking of everything and everyone as he tried to fulfill his purpose. 

 

Just then, as if on cue, a familiar voice greeted him along with the crinkle of takeout bags. “Hey Philip- can I crash here?” asked the soft, raspy voice of his teammate. 

 

“As long as some of that food is for me,” Philip chuckled, siding over in his chair from behind his monitors and winking. 

 

He was answered with only a nod and a smile from Trevor who gestured the second bag and plopped down on the couch. The old man wore a vacant expression that translated through his host’s eyes easily as he looked off into space. Philip saw this but didn’t know how to approach the subject and busied his mouth with the salad Trevor had bought for him. 

 

The old man leaned back against the couch and sighed inaudibly before turning to Philip and smiling at the sight of him enjoying the food he’d picked for him. “I figured you’d like the strawberry one,” he laughed quietly. “If was either that or this vegan wrap with a ton of avocado spread so I got both for you. I figured you’d get to the wrap tomorrow or something.”

 

Philip and looked at him as he finished his mouthful. He swallowed and tilted his head slightly. “Thanks Trev, I really appreciate it. What’d you end up getting?”   
  
Trevor shrugged simply, “Wasn’t hungry.” This wasn’t exactly true and both of them knew it but he didn’t feel like explaining what all had happened. Long story short, he wasn’t going home that night and he didn’t feel like talking much.

 

Philip had stayed up with his friend for what felt to him like five minutes when really it had been much more. He was alone again with his dreaded thoughts a mere hour after Trevor had arrived. He’d fallen asleep quickly next to the historian, not an unexpected thing as he’d seemed more and more tired as their silence ensued. 

 

The silence between them hasn’t been awkward or as lonely as Philip’s. It was comfortable and reassuring, something the two of them didn’t mind in the slightest. The engineer’s presence was warm and nurturing almost, something Philip found himself yearning for in the end. 

 

There was something he found about the man that he couldn’t stop thinking about after he was gone. He was different from his other teammates, they left him in the dust and he was fine with it but there was something about Trevor that hurt him a bit when he saw him turn his back and walk out the door. There was something about Trevor that he was addicted to. So when Trevor fell asleep and left him once again, Philip felt alone all over again and that hurt all over again.

 

He stood and grabbed a blanket to cover Trevor with and started silently cleaning the mess he’d left, throwing away his garbage and putting away the wrap for tomorrow. He sucked in a breath before going back to the computer and plopping down in the chair. He slid over slightly so he was able to see Trevor from his desk. 

 

The night ended with Trevor reluctantly being moved to Philip’s bed after an incident where he rolled off the couch around midnight. Philip hadn’t fallen asleep by the time 5:30 am rolled around and it was time for Trevor to wake up and go to school. 

 

“Trev get up,” Philip said while standing over Trevor’s quivering form. There was no response so he said it again and pushed his shoulder. “Come on man didn’t you say you have a test today or a project due or something?”

 

The old man stirred and his eyes opened slowly and drunkenly. “I can’t go today. Rene’s going to be there,” he said before rolling away from Philip and cuddling back into the blankets. 

 

“Come on man we gotta talk about it. What happened last night?” Philip asked, sighing as he fell onto the bed next to him, staring at the back of his head. 

 

Trevor rolled back toward him with a sleepy look on his face. “It’s nothing I just really can’t go to school today. I mean I’ll leave ops if you want but I don’t really don’t have a place to go right now in all honesty.” His eyes never left Philip’s as the laid two inches from each others’ faces, feeling each breath of the other travel across their face. 

 

“I don’t want you to leave. I just want you to tell me what’s up, Old Man.”

 

Trevor sighed deeply, his hot breath flooding his teammate’s senses as he breathed in deeply. “It’s not her fault… It just makes me uncomfortable is all…” he said, trailing off. “It’s just that Rene always wants to  _ touch me  _ but I don’t  _ like it. _ ” By now Trevor had once again been submerged in the comforter. 

  
Philip understood instantly and knew that it was something neither of them really wanted to talk about so he let him drift back to sleep. He found himself under the covers with him after a while, watching his chest move up and down, studying him.  _ Trevor, how do you do this to me every damn time? _ And with that last thought, Philip fell asleep next to the man; the deadly drug he let into his system once again.


	2. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have to read to find out lmao

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was significantly longer than the last but not as long as I could've made it. I'm sorry I wanted to give you guys something for now because you seemed to like it but my computer was out of service until earlier today. Tbh I tried using a public computer but it's hard when someone's sitting behind me, the trans kid, spewing trans hate for the whole public library to hear :) anyway I hope you guys like this chapter

    It’d been two weeks of Trevor, two weeks Philip didn’t want to end. It’d mainly been missions and, once everyone had gone, him and Trevor alone with their silence all over again, busying themselves with either food or tech. Trevor picked the best food.

  
No one knew Trevor had been staying there, let alone that’d he’d only gone to school one day in the whole two weeks. He hadn’t even stayed all day, only to collect his work from his classes and leave not even an hour later. Philip knew this meant he had to leave soon or else the team would find out and take him away.  
They had been sitting at the table, tinkering around with a respirator for underwater because of something that had happened in the last mission; they didn’t need to lose any teammates to the local lake.

“Hey Trev…” Philip started reluctantly.

  
“I know…” Trevor cut him off, knowing this conversation would happen. “I can leave tonight. Everything should’ve calmed down a bit with Gary and Rene by now. I just wanted to give them space because they were so pissed when I last saw them.”

  
“What exactly happened there anyway? I never really got you to tell me before, you kind of just told me it was fine and went to sleep.”

  
Trevor sighed deeply, staring into the historian’s pale green eyes hesitantly before standing, putting the respirator on the table, and turning. Philip felt the pain again as he saw the engineer’s back to him and he felt the pain surge through his body as Trevor left and shut the door behind him. The two weeks of paradise ended right there and it was about to get worse.

  
Within the hour, everyone was called back to ops and Trevor was the last to arrive, his happy demeanor brightening the tense mood almost instantly. The conversation went on, not necessarily about a mission but something that they were to do. Trevor listened closely as he always did, responding every once in a while with a “yes, Boss.” or an “of course, Boss.” Obviously, Philip wasn’t quite sure what he’d been responding to as the whole time he’d not been very attentive to the subject at hand. This was something he’d regret once he realized Trevor had stopped responding and gone completely silent.

  
The two met eyes for a brief second when the historian looked up at him, realizing he was tense, stressed. It was at this time that he’d tuned in to the conversation and realized they had been talking about retrieving host memories as Marcy and Mac had done before. This was something other teams had started doing as soon as they found it was possible; something that would help their cover along greatly and keep them hidden in the lives of their hosts.

  
This wasn’t something anyone seemed particularly fond of, Carly didn’t feel like remembering every time her host had been vulnerable beside her piece of shit husband. Trevor definitely didn’t want to go back to the time Trevor Holden had been sexually abused by a man who was bigger and stronger and then have to go back home or on a date with Rene as if it had never happened. Philip didn’t feel like there would be much to remember other than his host’s family giving him up to his heroin addiction, something he didn’t seem particularly excited about.

  
No one voiced their opinions and simply went along with this and a simple “yes Boss.” or “of course Boss” in the end. Maclaren knew the pain behind their words and it hurt him that he was the one to do this but he also knew he had to.

  
Carly was the first to do it. Obviously, Trevor protested because he was the most self-sacrificing. Carly said it was fine in the end and Trevor reluctantly let her go first and sat next to Philip as it went on inside the bathroom, on the other side of the thin wall. Mac and Marcy were in with Carly, monitoring her and making sure there wasn’t a repeat of what had happened with Marcy. You can only bring so many people back from death before you fail to do it again.

  
The door was closed but the boys outside could still hear the struggling, unconscious cries of their teammate. The memories that had flooded back to Carly left her shivering, the first had been a memory of Carly and a Jeff that had loved her, a Jeff that held her tight where they laid on the soft, fluffy sofa in what was probably their old house. This one made her realize why the original Carly had stayed, hoping this Jeff would return, nuzzling the crook of her neck and snoring softly into her t-shirt.  
This left Carly dead and bereft when the next memory smacked down over the head of her host being held down and forced by her once-loving husband. Her host stopped fighting back quickly, letting out no sound but a vacant grunt of pain every once in a while, silent in her sobs.

  
The next memory was holding Jeffrey Jr for the first time. They were alone in the hospital room, at peace. Carly let out a sigh that was absorbed by her newborn’s striped onesie that she had her mouth against in an everlasting kiss. It was at this time that Jeff stumbled through the door drunkenly, his terrifying smile spread wide across his face.   
“Little Jeffrey Jr.,” Jeff smiled, reaching to touch the baby’s head roughly in an attempt to maybe pet him. Either way, the baby was quickly jerked away from his toiled hands that then clenched into fists in anger.

  
Carly looked at the man, anger and betrayal in her eyes. “Don't touch him. Get out.”  
That memory was cut off and another showed up quickly following. Maybe these hadn't been in chronological order; they couldn't have been. Jeff was sober in this one, sitting across from her at a restaurant table, simply sipping on a glass of lemon water. He recalled a story of his day at work in which a crazy old woman convinced him to climb a tree and retrieve a small tabby cat for her.

  
The two laughed a bit before she realized Jeffrey Jr. was asleep in his car seat right next to her. Of course in the memory, she hadn't reacted, she knew he was there. In the memory, she was the original Carly, not the time traders wearing her meat suit.

  
The last memory was the one from right before Carly’s death in which she'd reached for the drawer to grab the gun, only to experience the worst headache of her life caused by the traveler entering her body, flushing out what everyone had thought to be the last of Carly.

  
When Carly came out of the bathroom, the shiver wasn’t from the chill of the ice bath but the shiver in her bones of terror and pain. The shiver of someone who’d experienced things that should’ve never happened. She broke from everyone and warmed herself just so she could be alone with her host’s memories.   
Next was Trevor. He went in with a straight face and situated himself in the bathtub before being put under.   
Almost instantly he saw memories of Gary’s rage when his host came home from school with bruises. There was a flash of Gary accusing him of being in a fight before a flash one where the bruises were explained. A flash of his coach forcing him down against the floor of an office of sorts and then a flash of his host’s eyes as he gave in and went limp with pain and terror; the moment his host went vacant and his eyes became empty.

  
The next memory came to him of his host laying in his bed, staring at the ceiling, something in his eyes dead and void of anything. Then Rene walked into his room and jumped onto the bed next to him, instantly giggling and reaching hands up his shirt mischievously as she’d done to Trevor since he was taken over by 0115. The two of them engaged and Rene fell asleep shortly after in his arms, followed sluggishly by his host sobbing gently, silently into her hair.

  
After this came a memory set in the boxing cage he’d died in. His friends hollering in the background, ecstatic but worried as he faced a bigger, stronger man all over again. The memory almost fast forwarded through a long, neck and neck fight in which, while they’d gotten in equal hits, Trevor took a significant amount of damage. He bled from his face mainly as it was really the only truly exposed piece of him. Then, with one last hit to the face, he was down and the memory stopped, disconnecting him from his host’s experiences once again.

  
Another memory washed over him like a wave, screaming rang in his ears as he sat in his room, listening to the fight that ensued between Gary and Patricia over their son. Patricia claiming that there was something wrong and Gary telling her it was just a teenage boy thing. His host got up, expression as vacant of happiness as usual, and headed out of his room to join in the screaming match only to say there was nothing wrong with him, that he was normal. Honestly, 0115 didn’t know what they were referring to when they talked about what had been wrong with Trevor but he’d had a few guesses. His thought process was cut off once again, interrupted by another memory.

  
The last one was the shortest but definitely hit Trevor the hardest. It had been about Ms. Day giving him a hug. That was it, a hug. Trevor Holden and Ms. Day shared a hug in which he’d let out his tears in the privacy of her office; he’d let the fat, warm drops sink into the fabric of her jacket that he’d sunken his face into.

  
It was at this point Trevor had woken up to Mac calling his name. Philip was there too when he woke up, staring down at him with a certain sadness in his eyes. The awakening left him shaken, he could feel his face contort into the same shock Carly’s had been in before. Philip reached out his hand to help him out of the icy water of the tub, Trevor grabbed a hold of his hand to accept the help and lingered for a split second before pulling up and getting out of the tub. A towel was handed to him and he wrapped it around himself in no particular hurry before patting Philip’s shoulder and leaving the room on his own to go switch into different clothes.

  
Philip’s turn came and he hesitated, staring at the water with a small fear that blossomed in his chest and rang in his ears. He wondered whether or not he’d find memories of when his host wasn’t alone, he wondered whether or not that would be a good thing; to remember and long for the presence of a family that he’d lacked, unlike the other travelers.

  
“Philip, time to go,” Marcy said softly, trying to soothe his fears. She’d started becoming more and more like the old Marcy, of course she was the same person but she’d been different since the reset. But her voice showed a glimmer of her old compassion, her nearly maternal love for her team. With this, Philip situated himself in the tub, shivering at the briskness of the water.

  
Once he slipped off into the dreaded sleep, it took a while for the memories to come to him.

  
In the first memory, he was on a skateboard with his hair tied back, a shorter, blonde haired girl in front of him. _Who is this?_ She was on her own skateboard, her shoulder-length hair flowing behind her in the air that flew by. She turned to him with the brightest smile on a face that matched his perfectly. _My sister..? Philip Pearson’s anyway-_

  
 The memory left as soon as it came and a new one replaced it quickly. Philip’s sister was there again and Philip was sat in a chair in a tattoo parlor. There was a moment of laughter between the two as if a joke had passed before the memory. Just then, the laughter stopped, the smiles lingering as a stranger with latex gloves and a piercing needle stood beside the host. The words of the man became silent before the needle pierced his nose and the man filed the newly formed hole with a small stud. The sound came back as his sister laughed and another strange woman handed him a tiny can of apple juice.

  
Again, the sounds were cut off and he was left in darkness before the next memory soon came to him. This one started really well; train track along a beautiful tree line of conifers, the same duo from the last memories walking along the tracks with cheap beers in their hands they had been sipping. It was obvious that both of them had had a couple before the moment and they danced around with each other down the tracks, giggling and enjoying themselves. Neither of them had heard the train coming but the man watching the dream had. He must have been stirring quite a bit in the real world because he was quickly shaken back to life by Marcy.

  
Almost instantly, the panicked question flooded from his lips. “Where’s Trevor?-” honestly, Philip had no idea why this was his first thought. Well not no idea there was one but he didn’t want to think about it. He just wanted comfort; to escape the memories.

  
Mac and Marcy’s eyebrows furrowed and Mac was the one to speak this time. “He had to go home. It seemed urgent so he’s probably not on comms.” The man hesitated, probably trying to piece things together. “Did your hosts ever meet? What’s wrong?”

  
Philip shook his head and got out of the tub, grabbing a towel and leaving. “Nothing, never mind,” were his last words before he left to his room to change clothes.   
He got to his room and on his dresser laid his phone, buzzing to notify him of a text. He clicked the screen on and saw texts from Trevor.

  
**TREVOR 12:43 PM**   
**I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you woke up.**

  
**You were there when I got out and now I feel bad.**

  
**Please message me back when you get out.**

  
**I’ll be back within an hour if you want me there to talk. I** cna’t **keep staying on your couch though.**  
 **Can’t***

  
Philip smiled at Trevor's worry as he finished getting dressed into dry clothes but frowned a bit at the last text. He messaged back before coming back out to wave off his teammates once again.

  
**PHILIP 1:22 PM**   
**It’s cool just stay home. You probably need a shower at some point in your life.**


End file.
